A Ukrainian ended up on a deserted island. A year later, rescuers found him and saw three huts.
– Why do you need three houses?
– Well, this one is my house. That one is the club I go to.
– And the third one?
– Oh, that’s the club I fundamentally refuse to go to!
***
Two kums met:
— How’s life?
— Have you seen the hryvnia to dollar exchange rate?
— I have.
— Well, that’s how I live according to the rate: every morning I wake up and check if I’ve lost even more.
***
— Do you speak Ukrainian?
— Yes, but when I get nervous, I switch to English.
— Why?
— Because then the people listening to me get nervous too!
***
A Ukrainian in Europe calls a taxi to go to the train station.
The driver asks:
— Do you want to go fast or by the rules?
— Buddy, I’m from Ukraine, let’s go fast and in a way that avoids fines!
***
— Why is a Ukrainian’s fridge always packed with food?
— Because if a guest says “no, I’m not hungry,” it means “feed me like it’s a wedding!”
***
Two friends met:
— Friend, how are you?
— Like Ukraine!
— How’s that?
— Standing, holding on, something hurts a bit, but the spirit is fighting!
***
A kum asks his kum:
— Do you do sports?
— You bet!
— And what exactly?
— I run…
— In the morning or in the evening?
— After the bus and the marshrutka when I’m going to and from work!
***
A Ukrainian in Paris enters a restaurant.
The waiter:
— Bonjour, monsieur!
— Come on, skip all those “bonjours,” do you have borscht?
— Monsieur, we have French cuisine…
— Fine, a baguette then, but make sure it’s with salo!
***
About inflation:
— How do you know that prices have risen again in Ukraine?
— It’s very simple: if you see a person staring at a price tag for a very long time, it means inflation is already here!
***
About endurance:
— How do you react so calmly to the news?
— I’m Ukrainian, nothing can surprise me anymore.
***
About hospitality:
— In Ukraine, there are two types of parties: “I’m only staying for a minute” — which ends at three in the morning. “It’ll be modest” — which feels like a wedding for 200 guests.
***
About love:
A Ukrainian girl says to her boyfriend:
— I want you to be like our borscht!
— You mean hot?
— No, so that on the second day, you become even tastier!
***
About the mother-in-law:
— Oh, Sveta, how did you achieve such a perfect look? Diet, sports, cosmetologist?
— No, my mother-in-law just went to the dacha for the whole summer!
***
About national philosophy:
Ukrainians have three stages after a party:
“It seemed okay…”
“Who are all these people in the photos?”
“I need to flee the country…”
***
About the economy:
— What do you call a person who has money but doesn’t spend it?
— Definitely not a Ukrainian!
WOW:
***
On a date:
— We do have something in common!
— What?
— A love for salo, borscht, and putting off problems until later.
***
About work:
— Why do Ukrainians love Monday so much?
— Because you can finally rest after the weekend!
***
And as my acquaintance used to say:
— Work is not a wolf, it won’t run into the forest… But the salary — it will definitely disappear in an unknown direction.
***
About work:
— Do you work?
— No, I just come here to sit with my colleagues.
— And do you get a salary?
— Yes, but not for the work, but for the nerves.
***
About Ukrainian politics:
— Dad, what is democracy?
— It’s when the people choose their government.
— And then what?
— And then they sit and think: “Well, who on earth did we choose?”
***
About language:
— Do you know Ukrainian?
— Of course!
— Well, say something!
— Borscht, varenyky, horilka, salo.
— But you just recited a restaurant menu!
— It’s just that the language is melodic and very tasty!
***
As my kum said while showing me the ripped handles of a shopping bag:
— A Ukrainian marshrutka is when you don’t want to get off, but you’ve already been carried out.
***
About the Ukrainian character:
— Can Ukrainians live without gas?
— They can.
— Without light?
— They can.
— Without internet?
— What, are you out of your mind?
***
— Dad, what kind of business does the state do?
— Son, it’s when you buy a watermelon for 50 hryvnias, sell it for 100, and make a 10% profit!
— But that’s a 50 hryvnia profit!
— Oh, don’t start, that’s how all our budgets are calculated…
***
About neighbors:
— Kum, do you know that the neighbor bought a new car?
— Yes, I was the first to know!
— How?!
— Because when he was buying it, he borrowed the money from me!
***
About female logic:
— Darling, I bought you flowers!
— What did you do this time?!
— Nothing, just because!
— Just because? You definitely did something wrong…
***
About salo:
— Kum, did you eat salo today?
— Yes, I did.
— Was there bread?
— No.
— Onion?
— No.
— Salt?
— No either.
— Kum, you didn’t eat salo, you were just gnawing on it out of despair!
***
About Ukrainian hospitality:
An African-American came to visit a Ukrainian.
The host set the table: borscht, varenyky, salo, homemade sausage…
The guest asks in surprise:
— Where is the vegan food here?
The Ukrainian thought for a moment, then said:
— The bread, that thing over there, take some!
***
About fishing:
An African-American went fishing with his Ukrainian friend.
— Are you sure you’re catching fish?
— Positive!
— Then why do you have more horilka than tackle?
— Because the fish is a bonus, the main thing is the process!
